Screaming Infidelities

Stressful days are here and I’m still stuck. I’m not moving forward.

I’ve been counting days and nights, but still no progress. Oh well. Life sucks that way, there’s nothing I can do about it.

Right now, I have less than 5 hours to finish my 6 pages Introduction [chapter 1] and my methodology [chapter3]. I can’t believe that I allowed myself to sleep the night off when I wasn’t able to finish anything. Except for the methodology part, I’m sorta almost done with that.. Haha.

Anyway there.. I am yet again multi-slacking.. the only thing I do the best during these times of life.

Seriously, I can’t think of anything sensible to put in my thesis proposal. I haven’t consulted with my adviser and professor yet, so good luck to me. It’s not that I am to lazy to consult. It’s just that I didn’t see her in school the whole week and I don’t know where to find her. Most of my blockmates who are under her weren’t able to consult either! (I think)

I know it’s not a good enough reason to NOT do anything about my paper. I am not trying to justify my slack. (REALLY)

My frustrations are eating me and I don’t know what to do. I know I have set all my plans and now, none of it are working right. I have to reset everything.

On other news:
Earlier this weekend, my sister gave birth to a beautiful girl named Ashley Maya. We visited her at the hospital and geez, it was amazing!

I can’t believe that my sister is now a mom… and that I am now a real “auntie”. Haha. I am excited to have the baby here at home and most probably I’ll be going home more often.

Here’s a picture of our little girl:

It’s amazing how time pass by so fast. I remember not so long ago.. my sister is just a teenager, like me. But now, she’s a grown woman with the responsibility of caring for another living human. I am so happy. For the longest time, we’ve been longing for a little one to lighten up our home and now here she is..

I know my sister will do well in raising her kid, just like our mom raised us. I must admit, I am envious of her. Haha. I want a baby too!! (but of course, not anytime soon). But if I will be blessed and God will give me one (even not conceptually speaking), I will gladly accept it. Maybe I should consider adoption! haha

I’ve locked myself up for the past 4 days, literally. I go out the room every now and then but I don’t go out of the house. Maybe it’s the lack of inspiration, or lack of drive to get up. I am a lazy person, but I didn’t know it would go this far. Haha. But seriously speaking, I intentionally lock myself in because I wanted to do something. Something that I wouldn’t be able to do if I’m out and away from this teeny little laptop.

I want to write.

Not just some blog post that I usually do, something more serious and deep. A story, a novel, a poem… just something that would inspire me. Yes, I am over driven to write. But I haven’t written anything sensible yet. I have now 5 introductions for my story. All from different perspectives. It’s hard to conceptualize and to continue from one story to another. I linger over one phase and I find it hard to move on.

Actually, I linger on the things that made it hard for me to move on in real life. Heartaches, broken friendships, disappointments, failures… Sometimes I linger on the happy events that had happened too. I don’t know how to finish it. It’s always easy to start, but ending it is never too easy.

Hmm, maybe I should start writing about something impersonal.

Yeah I’ll do that. For now, I have to stay driven.

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On other news:

My mom is having an operation tomorrow. Finally. I really do hope things go well with her operation. I am afraid, nervous, anxious, about her operation.

My mom has cataract. Tomorrow, they will be removing her cataract through laser surgery. Painless as they say it, eyes are very sensitive. I don’t want her to lose the pleasure of seeing the beautiful things in this world. I want her to clearly see everything. I want her to see me when I march on my graduation day. I want her to see me wear a white coat in my own clinic. I want her to see me and my sisters as we all gather together for our family reunion someday. I am panicking, yes.

Split Personality. Borderline Personality Disorder. Multiple Personality. Ring a bell?

I’m not saying that I have a personality disorder, but that’s what I am feeling right now. This is the time when you feel like you have to divide yourself (as in literally) to be able to do what people are expecting from you. This is not a rant post. I don’t want anyone to assume that I am complaining from anything. It’s not that. Anyway, as I was saying, things are kinda pretty tough lately. I understand how everyone is so stressed and toxic. I understand because I can see them, and I know what’s been happening.

If only I could divide myself into three, or more, I would. I’ll have.. Juvy the Student, Juvy the Sorority Girl, Juvy the Friend, Juvy the Councilor, Juvy the Daughter, Juvy the Cousin, Juvy the Sister, and Juvy. But it’s just impossible. It’s not something you get when you wish for it over a blown birthday cake candle. It’s a reality that no matter how much you want to do everything for everybody’s sake, and for your ass’s sake, you just can’t. Maybe you can but it’s not going to be easy. It’s never easy in this life. And I know that, right from the very beginning. That’s why I just go with it. Whatever happens, happens.

On other news:
Dysmenorrhea Galore. I hate it when it attacks me. I don’t want to move. I just want to lay down. Sad sad painful painful. Anyway, I’m going to spend the whole day here at home. So it’s not going to be a problem, right?

Christmas is fast approaching. I’m not sure how I’m spending it. Bahala na si Batman. I wish things get better before Christmas. I sure don’t want to spend it alone. I’ve been thinking… I might just go drink with Manang Marlyn. The two of us.. one on one. For the depressed and the lonely. That’s us. Haha.

It’s my last day here at home in Singapore. Well.. nothing significant.. just another day I’ll sit through in front of this tiny laptop my sister owns. But there’s something about this day. I’m not really sure… I was up until 4am last night… but I was in bed around 2 am. I had a hard time falling asleep. I don’t know. It felt like I was having some anxiety attacks, but I wasn’t really sure. Anyway, eventually, I fell asleep.. and woke up at 12 noon. Haha. Bummer. I’ve already packed most of my stuff..my other clothes are still in the laundry. I can’t believe I’ll be leaving in hours. Dang. Anyway, my stay here has been generally fun. Of course except for those days which I sure wouldn’t like to remember.  But I’m sure I’m going to remember everything. Hmm. I was planning to go to Bugis this afternoon. I’m not sure if I’m still going. Haha. I’m not excited to go home. I don’t want to go home yet. But I have no choice. I’m oppressed by my needs. And this one I don’t want to let go of is just a luxury. I can have this after everything. Who knows I might just go back here for Christmas…. tenen. hahaha.

On other stories:

Nov. 06!! Hahaha. It’s been so long since… #%@$@#$@. hahaha. and yeah, I must admit that I miss him. Not so much but yeah I do. There are moments when we talk about how we were so happy and young before. Sure, we want to go back to those days but it’s always better to live in the moments of now. This friend of mine.. we really haven’t gotten over everything yet. Yes, we”ve moved on but there are still times that we get lost and confused on who to blame for what happened. Both of us are at fault I guess. You can’t blame me for leaving you, as I can’t blame you for not taking me back. At least we’re both happy now, right?

The years apart were too awkward. We dragged the days, it was a miracle that you get through another day. That’s why, it felt so great that we settled everything.. ah, no not everything.. but most of it, and regained the friendship tha we once had. and yeah, I miss you too.

This day felt longer than any other day I’ve had. (not really. the day I was cramming for my thesis proposal and psych scale was waaaaaaay longer. 3 days straight without normal sleep—REM). I woke up late. My mom went to East Coast with her friends, my sister and a house mate were eating breakfast/lunch, my father was, hmmm, I’m not really sure.  My day didn’t turn out to be as fun as I imagined it. It’s a long weekend and it’s Saturday. I was actually hoping that the family would go out, spend time together… but wait, it only took one man to ruin it.  Great.  So sister and I decided to go to the National Library to return some books, and to loan some as well. I was able to loan The Alchemist and Mrs. Freud. (Don’t ask me, I’m bored and I just want to read something to pass time)

After going to the NLB, we went to Bugis. Nothing spectacular. Hahaha. After that, we spent the whole evening at sister’s friend’s place. It was his birthday party, and as usual, I am the party crasher. It was a gathering with lots of Ogurs and Ogurettes. Actually, they were different, a whole lot different, from those I know. They were actually… nice.. and humanly.

It’s fun hanging out with my sister and her friends here. Although, you’ll know when you get to spend time with them that they are infused with the stress of the Chekwas they work for.  I’m glad that sister found friends like them. =) reason? I’ll keep it to myself.

My friends are asking me how my sembreak is.. and I always tell them that it’s all good, I’m having fun.. yada yada.

That’s what I want to think. But, seriously? Hmm. I don’t know. This break is kind of like one of those moments I have been avoiding for a very long time now. Petty quarrels with my mom and sister, irritating father who lurks around when you’re up to something, and the ungodly arguments between my father and mother.

If you’re a hopeful kid who was looking forward to a very exciting and joyous vacation, and ends up spending your free days with people who are only up for the figures and moolah, most specially the moolah, you’ll be disappointed.

When I look back, I remember how excited I was to end the sem and to go here as soon as classes ended.. now I feel like, everything was just so.. overrated.