Screaming Infidelities

Kagabi
Di matapos-tapos ang
Nobelang nabuo sa mumunting isipan ‘ko
Kapit-tira
Nang di na tamang lira
Iniipon ang mga pagkakataon
sa isang sulok na
Pinagdurugtong yugto
Yugto (yugto)
Kapit (kapit)
kabig (kabig)
Mali (mali)

Huli na ang lahat
Para bawiin ang hindi nararapat
Hanap pa
Umaayos ka
Wala nang magagawa sa nahulog na
na salita
At tayong dalawa
Urong (urong)
Sulong (sulong)
Urong-sulong nalang ba?

Sakit (sakit)
Bakit (bakit)
Bakit ko nalaman nandito lang?

Kasalanan mo nang lahat nang ‘to
Bakit ako pinapapayag mo?
Kasalanan mo nang lahat nang ‘to, oh

Nagtataka ako,
Bakit siya ang pinili mo

———————————————–

(Very timely, indeed.)

I downloaded Up Dharma Down’s Fragmented and Bipolar albums.

This song intrigued me. Haha.

I’d like to say, that I had a very nice day today. I learned a lot of things today. Some of which, I’ve avoided for so long, others… well, they are just unnecessary.

I can say, after a long searching.. and trying to understand myself and my world.. I’ve realized that I can do things. I can do amazing things and I can do the change that I want to do.

Never let things in the past eat your future.

I hae a great future ahead of me, I know that. There are a lot of things I want to do, a lot of places I’d like to go to.. and a lot of people I still want to know..

I can do this.

**the song has nothing to do with this post.. I just love Up Dharma Down.. It’s just that I can relate so much to the song.. it’s so…. timely. haha.

NAKAKAINIS..

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGH.

or to anyone for that matter..

I’ll say there’s a lot of things people would ever understand bout me..

1. my mood

I have a very unpredictable mood. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been really really moody. I was able to control it during my college life because I  know how it ruins my relationship with other people, but for some reason… it’s back.. and it’s worse.

2. my relationships

People closest to me have always questioned the way I dealt with my men. I’ve dated a lot of people since 2007 and I can’t count the number of relationships or would-have-been relationships I screwed up. Yeah. I screw up. A LOT. and even I don’t understand why I do that. There were times, I must admit, that I was willing to let go of the game and actually pursue a relationship that might end my evildoings but just the thought of losing in the game.. I just can’t bear the thought of it. So what the hell right?

3. my realities

I have made a number of realities in my life. Realities which would never meet and realities that will never ever accept each other. I have several worlds to live in, several roles to play.. and sometimes, it just gets exhausting having to deal with different people, different problems.. different expectations.. and you don’t have the right to fail..or get tired.

4. my faith

I have a very weird outlook in life. I have this big faith into something.. someone so big I couldn’t see Him.. so great I can’t even fathom His greatness.
I may not be religious.. but I am actually a spiritual person. I may not show it but I believe in something..someone.

5. my ways

People have questioned the way I do things. My strategies.. my plans. I don’t care. Because I will still do what I think is right, and I will not be sorry for anything. That’s just the way I am.

6. my problems

I am a ME person. I’d rather deal with my problem alone, than share it to anyone. And if I do, I only pick a number of people, just so someone knows I’m dealing with something… not to have them solve it for me. I am a ME person, and basing from the relationships I’ve had.. I am better off alone.

There are a lot of things people don’t understand about me. Sometimes, I think that there is a problem with me..but when I take a closer look… most of the time, they just don’t take time to know me well enough.. and other times, they think they know me, but they don’t know a thing.
And this post reaks of something I’d rather not write about.. it’s a surge of negativity that I should have never let in. This is bad.

This is not the time to wonder why
 Just let the heart and mind
Be still for just some time
This is the time for the rest
Just let it go
You know its for the best

If you’re fragile, and if you’re delicate
Take my hand but be gentle with me please
Let the river flow
Washing over me for a while
But be gentle with me please
This is not the time to compromise if you’re feeling it too
Then you’ve realised
This is the time for a change
Yes you know it’s true
Deep down within you
If you’re fragile, and if you’re delicate
Take my hand but be gentle with me please

——————–
I took my chances, though I know I will regret this forever. It doesn’t matter now. I will love you and I will remember you for the rest of my life.. please know that.. and when I get the chance to hold you.. and look at you, I will hold you tight in my arms.. and I will never let you go.

I never thought it would be this hard.. and it has just sunk in in my head….
I feel weak, empty, sick, sad…. I will get through this.

And if you could ever forgive me…I do hope you forgive me.. Nobody wanted for this to happen.. Nobody expected what happened.. No one even knew.. I knew.. but then.. you didn’t deserve what I could give you.. not this.. you deserve so much more…

So as I let you go… I will wait for you to come back.. you will always be my first love. No matter what..

0722017150723090635

Maybe you’ve noticed..that most of the posts are personal. Yes, those posts are products of my personal dilemmas and mmy outlet for making personal decisions that I have never imagined that I will ever make.

I now understand that life is not a reality you create within your ideals. You don’t create a land where every cloud is colored brightly and no storm could ever enter the horizon. Life is a shitty mess, believe or not, that is best when taken out the hard way.

[one of my labo posts, don't mind me]

but not anytime soon. forgive me.

not now.

if you could just wait.. maybe by then, it will all work out.

write me like i am your poetry
like every word you write
covers the whole of me

write me like i am your poetry
like i am a figment of your mind
a fragament, one of a kind.

write me like i am your poetry
like you’re running out of words
and searching for something to say.

everything, whatever it is.. it should always come in both ways. Whether you’re in love, you’re mad, you’re disappointed, you’re cheery, you’re inspired.. it’s never just you. There will be a reason behind it and there will always be someone who will be reciprocating whatever it is.

Say for example.. Charity. Doing charity work doesn’t mean you’re doing it unconditionally. You are actually doing it to favor yourself. How? Well, for most people, helping others is the most fulfilling job. If that is so, then, doing charity is doing something for others to achieve the feeling of fulfillment. In that case, you are asking for something in return, in exchange of your charity.

My point is… it can never be a one way road regardless of the circumstance.

If you are… then I am too.

You just don’t have any idea.

Touched for the very first time ang thesis ko! )
I finally had my thesis consultation this afternoon….and it was..bloody. Haha.
My proposal is now covered with the red ink my adviser used to murder my instrumentation. Kidding, Maam! Hahaha.

Anyhoo, I’m so happy that I’m finally going to be able to do something about my proposal and move on from my stagnant thesis life to a more progressive one. Seriously, I have to move forward.

Anyway, I have to go back to my thesis-ing. Haha. Next time!