Screaming Infidelities

Split Personality. Borderline Personality Disorder. Multiple Personality. Ring a bell?

I’m not saying that I have a personality disorder, but that’s what I am feeling right now. This is the time when you feel like you have to divide yourself (as in literally) to be able to do what people are expecting from you. This is not a rant post. I don’t want anyone to assume that I am complaining from anything. It’s not that. Anyway, as I was saying, things are kinda pretty tough lately. I understand how everyone is so stressed and toxic. I understand because I can see them, and I know what’s been happening.

If only I could divide myself into three, or more, I would. I’ll have.. Juvy the Student, Juvy the Sorority Girl, Juvy the Friend, Juvy the Councilor, Juvy the Daughter, Juvy the Cousin, Juvy the Sister, and Juvy. But it’s just impossible. It’s not something you get when you wish for it over a blown birthday cake candle. It’s a reality that no matter how much you want to do everything for everybody’s sake, and for your ass’s sake, you just can’t. Maybe you can but it’s not going to be easy. It’s never easy in this life. And I know that, right from the very beginning. That’s why I just go with it. Whatever happens, happens.

On other news:
Dysmenorrhea Galore. I hate it when it attacks me. I don’t want to move. I just want to lay down. Sad sad painful painful. Anyway, I’m going to spend the whole day here at home. So it’s not going to be a problem, right?

Christmas is fast approaching. I’m not sure how I’m spending it. Bahala na si Batman. I wish things get better before Christmas. I sure don’t want to spend it alone. I’ve been thinking… I might just go drink with Manang Marlyn. The two of us.. one on one. For the depressed and the lonely. That’s us. Haha.

Coz I found the
Love that’s a one of a kind
This time I’m in for it
And I know I’m in just way too deep
Someone, oh someone
Save me now

It’s been a long day today. First day of second sem, what do you expect? Anyway.. I’m back. Ergo, I’m back to reality. Sem break is over Juvy, and it doesn’t matter if you’re doing the late reg. (They are waiting for you). In that short span of time, I realized how much I’ve been missing out on. I lose track of time, and I waste most of my energy on nothing. Nothing at all. Well, okay, not really nothing.. but I don’t know. It’s kind of disheartening? I don’t know the word for it.

Or maybe, I just feel so uninspired for the past few days. Disappointed? Perhaps. I’ve been expecting so much from myself that I have been forcing myself way too hard to meet my own standard. I’ve planned so much that I feel like I’m being constricted, like I’m living in my own ‘Martial Law’. Which is kind of good. Haha. Labo.

I’m thankful for those people who, during my lowest moments, manage to put a little smile on my face. No matter how negative everything is.. No matter how disappointing life may seem. Sometimes you just have to stop caring.. you just have to let it go its own way and stop planning every step.

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A friend asked me if I am happy with my life. I told him that I am happy. But of course there’s always something lacking. It’s not a small hole that can be filled by anything or anyone. It’s been there for a very long time and it’s hard to keep track on how big it has gotten.

Who needs anyone? I can live alone. Though, I will have to admit that sometimes it gets tiring. Sometimes it feels better when you know that there will be someone waiting for you.. someone who will push you to do everything that you need to do.. someone who will inspire you to be the best person you can be, despite of and in spite of. Someone who would be able to force you to laugh even when you know you can’t. Just someone.

As I tell my friends, I am a lone wolf. I travel alone, as my pack has left me. Maybe once in awhile I’ll have a companion, maybe not. Whatever. I’ve gone a lone way. I’m on the right track.

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I’m leaving for school in 4 hours. I need to take a powernap. Hahaha. Good luck.

Coz I’ve been there way too many times before
And everytime I say it’s not gonna work
Not this time so…save me

It’s my last day here at home in Singapore. Well.. nothing significant.. just another day I’ll sit through in front of this tiny laptop my sister owns. But there’s something about this day. I’m not really sure… I was up until 4am last night… but I was in bed around 2 am. I had a hard time falling asleep. I don’t know. It felt like I was having some anxiety attacks, but I wasn’t really sure. Anyway, eventually, I fell asleep.. and woke up at 12 noon. Haha. Bummer. I’ve already packed most of my stuff..my other clothes are still in the laundry. I can’t believe I’ll be leaving in hours. Dang. Anyway, my stay here has been generally fun. Of course except for those days which I sure wouldn’t like to remember.  But I’m sure I’m going to remember everything. Hmm. I was planning to go to Bugis this afternoon. I’m not sure if I’m still going. Haha. I’m not excited to go home. I don’t want to go home yet. But I have no choice. I’m oppressed by my needs. And this one I don’t want to let go of is just a luxury. I can have this after everything. Who knows I might just go back here for Christmas…. tenen. hahaha.

On other stories:

Nov. 06!! Hahaha. It’s been so long since… #%@$@#$@. hahaha. and yeah, I must admit that I miss him. Not so much but yeah I do. There are moments when we talk about how we were so happy and young before. Sure, we want to go back to those days but it’s always better to live in the moments of now. This friend of mine.. we really haven’t gotten over everything yet. Yes, we”ve moved on but there are still times that we get lost and confused on who to blame for what happened. Both of us are at fault I guess. You can’t blame me for leaving you, as I can’t blame you for not taking me back. At least we’re both happy now, right?

The years apart were too awkward. We dragged the days, it was a miracle that you get through another day. That’s why, it felt so great that we settled everything.. ah, no not everything.. but most of it, and regained the friendship tha we once had. and yeah, I miss you too.

in less than 5 hours, I’m bidding my 18th year goodbye. This year has been far more interesting than any other year.. I’ve lost some, I gained some. I learned how to let go of people and things that I’ve never thought I’ll be able to let go of. 18 years, and I can say that somehow..I’ve already done things that could make me happy. but there are still a lot of things that I want to do. There are still a lot of places to go to..people to meet.. food to eat.. and things to see. In the past 18 years, I have learned a lot. I have learned that you can make a lot of friends, but there are only few whom you can say have made you theirs. I’ve learned that most of the lessons in life are not learned in classrooms but are taught by life itself. I’ve learned that you should always trust your instincts.. after all, life is about survival, isn’t it? I’ve learned that men.. are just men. You can never tell when you could trust them. I’ve learned that a person can live without sleep and that a person can not live with sleep alone. You have to go out, work, play and EAT. I’ve learned that other people’s problems are easier to solve than your own. So listen to others, cry with them, be mad with them, and at the end of the day no matte how heavy you’re burdens are… you’ll feel just fine.I’ve learned that never ever expect anything from someone you barely know. I’ve learned that you should never give up when things are falling apart.. in fact, it’s an opportunity for you to prove that you can do something significant and that you can stand up for what you really believe in. I’ve learned that you can never be too tired.. and that when you know that you are just as tired as the others..it will all feel better. I’ve learned that you can’t always have what you want.. so never ever ask for a wish that is next to impossible. People come and go, but your family will never leave you. No matter how messed up you think your family is… they’ll always be there. Run with them. =) I’ve also learned how to flip pancakes and how to cook a new dish..

I have learned that at 18, you should be happy, and live your life to the fullest.

Life is short..make the most out of it. Don’t grieve over the things you can’t have and things you dont understand. Let go of the things that hurt you.. and never hurt the people you can not let go of. Smile more often, and never ever ever stop loving your life.

Happy Birthday!
Another chance.. Another year.