This is a little weird.

Okay. So I’m back. And they’re back as well. Hahaha. How can it get any better than this.

When I left the country last year, I tried to settle everything. End things that never should have started the first place, start things i should’ve done a long time ago. Reconnect with people I haven’t heard from for forever. A lot of greatness and emo-shit.

Weird that i feel like things are different but nothing much has changed. Same shit, different year. Amazing.

My dad asked me to move to Singapore, May 1. I just don’t want to leave YET. Pwede naman yun diba? It’s not that I don’t want to be with them or help with the family’s finances but I believe I am entitled to have at least a month-long break after my lifetime of studying. RIGHT????

SO if they’re going to hit me with that yeaaaaaaaaars of service.. I’ll just repeat what you said. Yes you’ve been out there for more than 25 years. Well, let me ask you this, how many times, in my 20 years of existence, have you actually shared with me? SO please, don’t act like you know everything about what I want and what I want to do.

I promise I’m not going to bail out on my obligations. And I think you’ve already established that one’s physical existence doesn’t really matter.

ANYHOOOOOOOO. A lot of things have been going on lately, well sort of. There’s this one that I don’t really understand how and why it started. It just dort of happened. Hahaha. It’s not a bad thing. It’s actually good and it’s something that keeps me sane for the meantime. BUT THEN AGAIN, I know it’s not something I see myself doing (or being with) in the next 3 months. Hahaha. I’m giving it a deadline. By the end of February, it will be over. Just like all the other ones before. Nothing new.

It ended so quickly.

It’s been 4 days since 2009 ended. I still can’t believe that in several hours, I will be boarding that plane back to that lonely hole I call home. Anyway, I am counting the days. I don’t know what I will do after 100 days but surely, I will go back here, if not to stay for good.. to stay long enough with the beautiful people that has made my 2009 end waaaaay better than I have imagined it.

I am happy. After everything that’s happened to me in 2009, I still am happy. I have learned so much and I have been through things I never thought I’ll be able to get through. I can’t wait to learn so much more this 2010.

The things and people that have hurt me, you’re all forgiven. However, I will never forget the pain that you’ve caused. Not to remind me of whatever you did, or whatever happened.. but to remind me not to make the same mistakes again. For that, I’m grateful to you.

To those I have hurt, and lost, I am sorry but things are better this way. =) That’s all I can say to you. I’ll see you when I see you.

To those I have yet to meet.. I open my 2010 to you. I don’t care what you can or cannot give. I don’t care if you stay or not. What matters is that you share a part of your life with me this 2010.. and I just hope that whatever we carried on from 2009, we carry over until the end of 2010 and beyond.

Some new post

To put balance in my blog, I will now post something that is less angsty and more positive, in a way.

So I’ve already spent more than a week of bumming, eating, drinking and eating. and In less than two weeks I have gained…. (wait.. wait for it……………………………………………………………) 5 pounds!! Isn’t that great!? Anyway, I’m expecting additional pounds after New Year’s eve. I’ve been doing a hell lot of eating here in Singapore, I tell you. So, come one, let’s get some fat on.

On other news:
I’m still a little frustrated and pressured. It feels like I haven’t done anything productive for such a long time now. I don’t know if I wasted my time on the wrong things or wrong people. I don’t know. It just don’t feel right. Imagine, 2009 is already ending?? what happened to 365 days? I can’t even remember a thing or two about 2009. I don’t know if I intentionally forgotten, repressed and pushed back to my subconscious all the things that happened this year, but seriously, I can’t remember anything significant. Hmm. Well there’s one, but it’s not even worth remembering.
I can’t wait for 2010 to start. I only have a quarter year of student-hood. I hope I get to finish on time. OR ELSE I’M GONNA BE F*CKING DEAD. Seriously. I have doubts and I feel like I’m gonna get in trouble because of my thesis. I still manage to stay positive, even if the last time I consulted was way back August 2009 and my adviser probly wants to kill me now. haha.

Strike 2?

Now I can’t wait to go back home. Damn.

Strike 2 for 2009. I can’t believe this, am I really that ONE in a million. Shit happens, I know, but that same shit is happening to me AGAIN. DAMN. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. If this really is happening, I don’t know what else to do. Shit.

Fuck talaga. (Sorry for the cursing, pero hopeless lang ng feeling)

Please don’t let that happen to me again.

konting rant lang pwede na

Masaya naman eh, minsan lang talaga nakakairita pag narealize mo na may mga tao talagang ipinanganak para iritahin ka, tipong effortless, nakakairita lang talaga. Parang nunal ni Gloria, walang ya lang di makapansin.

Konting rant pa, pwede na. Konti na lang talaga.

*Pagpasensyahan ang napakawalang kwentang post.

Uh-huh that.

First day! I’m so thrilled that I’m here. I’m still upset about last week though. I think it’s unfair, and I know that I will not forget it. All I need is one simple explanation. Is it really that hard to tell a person why you’re ditching all your plans with them? Damn. Merry Christmas.
———————–
Last night was probably one of best-est sleep I’ve ever had. I’m so excited for today that I slept at around 11-ish and woke up 7 in the morning. Yay!

Anyway, I’m meeting up with my cousin Christy today. I’ll give her a tour and bring her to Sentosa. (nagmamagaling lang ako, haha, at sana di kami magkaligaw ligaw). Then, I’ll meet up with my sister and maybe grab a few drinks then go home. yay. I can’t wait to go out with my sister again.

It sucks that I have to deal with my colds, cough and dysmenorrhea all at the same time. How am I supposed to enjoy my stay here with this. Oh well. Update later, I hafta go out.

art of nothing

Not doing anything doesn’t mean you’re not doing anything wrong.

But what if you can’t figure out what you want to do, or the right/best thing to do for that matter? Sometimes you just have to let it all happen and unfold on its own. Then you’ll know what to do.

“We’ll figure this out”, they say, but what if you don’t want anything to do with it?

I wanna scream, “FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF!”, but for my own dignity and my respect to other people, I just keep it in and suffer the screams inside my head.

Sometimes, I think I’m going crazy. I find myself listening to different voices in my head telling me what to do, what to say, and when to do and say it.. but at the end of the day I go home to my empty house and realizing that I haven’t done a thing.

Is it my fault? (Well, it can’t be because I didn’t do anything, right?) There’s a voice telling me that the fact that I didn’t do anything makes everything my fault, then there’s this other voice telling me that I did the right thing for not doing anything, BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING I CAN’T DO ABOUT IT, and that I should just let it be.

I did not want this. I do not want this.  EVER.

I hate being clueless.

— turning schizophrenic is the answer. NOT.

then you look forward to something uninterestingly interesting.

It’s been a while, and I really missed blogging. I missed the endless musings and rantings and whatnots. I missed THIS.

And whole bunch of other stuff I miss doing.

Luckily, I will be having the time to get back to my old life in a couple of days. =) YAY for our short-term sem break! May all of its days be spent well.

Haha. Anyway, I still have a lot of acad stuff to do. But come on, in a week’s time it’ll all be done. Then it’s the time of the year again, when I have to think of something to do.. for my birthday. Haha. I was thinking of surprising myself with a party that I have to do for myself, at my house where I live, by myself.

Yeah, it’s sad. I know. But I don’t have a lot of choices.

Harr. I don’t really know what I want to write about.. maybe next time.

Irrelevant enough.

As you can see, the incoherence in my previous post is undeniable. I must admit, I wasn’t really in my best condition when I posted that previous post. Anyway, I was actually thinking that I can redeem myself with this new one.

I have been suffering from colds and cough for like around 2 weeks now. I know that my stubbornness led me to being sick, but there are just some things I can’t avoid doing. For one, I love drinking ice cold water (with lots of ice in it) right before I go to sleep (and the aircon in my room is at its max).I look like a mess every time I go to school because of this f*cking colds.

Anyway.. on other news:

Yay! I was able to do some grocery/unnecessary shopping the other day. While I was in the grocery, people were looking at my kart, and judging from their looks… I think they find it weird what I had in there. Hahaha. I had like around 50+ cans of processed meat and fish, tuna, sardines, corned beef, etc. A pack each of cheesecake, wafers and cookies. And bottles of Fit n Right. Haha.

I didn’t think I needed to buy real food like meat, vegetables or whatever because I wouldn’t be going home there until Friday. I don’t want my food to get spoiled or anything.

Buuuuut! Last weekend, I had the most sumptuous meal I have ever had in my alone life. Hahaha. I cooked. Yay. Of course I cook. I’m just too lazy most of the time to move and actually do anything at home.

I haven’t seen my friends for like 2 weeks now. I really miss them. I mean, we’ve been hanging out for 2 consecutive weeks and then now we’re back to that “no communication” and see-you-whenever  stage, and it sucks. I’m not demanding that they go to me everytime I want them to, no. I just want to spend time with them, you know, cause I don’t really have that lot of people with me right now, and they’re all I’ve got.

It sucks when we don’t get to see each other that often, but it sucks more that we all know we could go out and see each other but we don’t do anything about it. Awww well, towel. I’m turning emow, and it’s not good. Hahaha. Hafta go. Early class tomorrow. I hate it.

Hit

Hit na naman. Tama na. 2 buckets of beer and 3 pitchers of alcohol is not very good. But it was fun. Hahaha.

I went out with the VF last night, and steady turned to one fun dangerous night. I’ll skip some details because I don’t know if it’s safe to blog about it..(actually I’ll be logging out soon.. haha.)

I got stood up again yesterday. It’s okay..I really don’t mind. I just wish I stop caring so much. =(

I can’t write anymore. Haha. I have to go to class. yada yada yada.
Will continue blogging later. Yay!